How Do I Help My Teen Feel Less Self-Conscious?

A representation of different identities and interests.

How do I help my teen feel less self-conscious and more confident?

Honestly, this question comes up so often in the work I do with my teenage clients and their guardians - even with my pre-teen clients. The world starts sending messages that being different is "bad" or means you're "not enough" or "too much." It's hard to figure out how to exist as your authentic self when you're facing the constant barrage of shame or scrutiny.

Advertisements are built to make you feel like you need more, need to be better, or need to have better than you already have. Peers can feel a boost in their own self-esteem momentarily by bringing someone else down; superiority is only a short-term fix, though. Long-term bullying can occur when someone is trying to place themselves differently on the social hierarchy.

Most of the teens I serve are also autistic, ADHD, queer, trans or non-binary, disabled, and hold other marginalized identities. It compounds that feeling of low self-worth when we're far from what is considered to be "normal" or the norm in our society.

Another representation of different identities and interests.

It's amazing that you want to support them- whether you're their guardian or their therapist!

So how do we help teens who are different and feel bad about it?

There are a lot of different routes we can go to help teenagers, but I want to focus on the four steps that I find most useful, especially for parents and guardians:

1. Learn about your teenager without making them do all of the teaching.

2. Validate their pain and the struggle without minimizing their differences.

3. Don't try to "fix" them; focus on fixing the environment instead.

4. Help them find community and representation.

These steps are often easier said than done, so let's get a little more into the details here about how to do these things.

Step 1: Learn about your teen without making them do all of the teaching.

This is vital to understanding your teen. You may have one who is very open with you or one that is really quiet when it comes to talking about their own experience. Regardless, it can be draining for a teen to have to educate their guardian every step of the way. They also might think you're asking so many questions to further scrutinize them or interrogate them.

So when they tell you who they are or you notice their differences compared to their peers: look into it.

• Find similar people to follow on social media.

• Read books by authors with lived experience and identities like your teen's.

• Check out documentaries or series about these folks.

• See who's around in your community, too - it's unlikely that your teen is the only one.

Notice that my suggestions focus on learning from people who are similar to your teen. I don't recommend learning from people who are writing or talking about others. The person's truth, perspective, tips, ideas, inspiration, and feelings are so much more relevant to learning than an outsider's view of these things. Stick to folks who have lived it too.

Through learning about your teen, you're going to understand them better and be able to attune to them better. Attunement to their needs and emotions will be very important when it comes to our next step.

Step 2: Validate your teen's pain and struggle without minimizing their differences.

Although often done by well-meaning people, when we say "oh, don't worry, you're not that different from the other teenagers" or "oh, no one even notices XYZ about you", we're actually invalidating that teen's experiences and reality. We may mean to be comforting but it rarely comes across as a comfort.

Our message to our teen needs to be: There's nothing wrong with you. The way you're being treated is wrong.

So, instead, lean into their discomfort and let them share their feelings with you. Let them tell you how bad things suck, who's being awful, what's being said or done, etc. Do your best to stay regulated and keep the focus on what they need and what they want to share. Prepare some phrases to replace saying things like "but you're perfect to me!" Maybe try "that sounds so hurtful" or "I can't believe they're treating you like that" or "that's so tough."

Having someone who's trustworthy and not judging the teen is invaluable. You don't have to take action on everything you're hearing, either. If you do feel prompted to do something, that leads us to the next step.

Step 3: Don't try to "fix" them; focus on fixing the environment instead.

It can be easy to say "oh, they're teasing you because you're limping? Let's get you a cane or a brace or some Occupational Therapy and then they'll have nothing to tease you about." But that's not true, is it? We know that bullies tend to want a reaction more than they truly care about what words they're saying or what differences they're targeting. We also know that our teens are great the way they are. We don't want to accidentally send a message that says they're broken, wrong, or otherwise in need of fixing.

Instead, listen for what shifts in their environment could be helpful. Are they saying they're feeling bad because they see everyone else finishes tests first in class? Maybe a school accommodation to take tests in a separate space would be helpful, or reduced questions on their exams. Are they saying other teens are talking crap about how bad they are at PE? Perhaps there's a waiver so they can earn PE and gym credits through doing different movement activities at home. Are they sharing that they feel really lonely because they're the only person of a certain identity? Maybe there are some extracurriculars, class swaps, or hobby groups they can do where they would find more people like them.

Definitely don't take these steps without their consent and collaboration. The last thing a struggling teen wants is to be told their guardian has signed them up for something or changed something about their routine!

Additionally, if you're hearing a lot of bullying or things happening due to actions of other students toward your teen, definitely keep a log of incidents. You and your teen may decide to take legal action or other steps toward separating your teen from the other students. It can be painful to have a list of all of the harm you've experienced, but it may help if something serious needs to occur.

It can be useful to brainstorm with the teen who's involved, especially to increase their sense of autonomy (which, in turn, often helps their self-esteem.) You have a unique opportunity to help them learn how to advocate for themself and to determine what their needs truly are.

Step 4: Help your teen find community and representation.

If they're feeling isolated, alone, under-represented, or otherwise singled out, community and representation can make a huge difference. When you were doing Step 1, did you find anyone local that you could introduce your teen to or spend more time around? Did you learn where people like your teen enjoy hanging out- online or in-person? Did you find some celebrities or social media influencers that you could share?

The more we see ourselves represented- especially as adults who are thriving, however the adult defines that for themself- it becomes easier for us to envision a future where we might thrive, too. It also becomes easier to brush off some of the smaller things that get said or that we see on TV or online if we know we're not alone in our identity or how we express ourselves.

How can we help teens get comfortable with who they are and increase their self-esteem?

Looking for a training for therapists who want to support unique teen clients with self-esteem?

Yes! I've got you covered. The first ever virtual GEMS Neurodiversity Summit is focusing on Autistic + ADHD Teens and I'll be presenting about helping teens build a sturdy sense of self. It happens live on May 16th, 2026, at 10am PST on Zoom and runs 4 or 5 hours, depending on which ticket you purchase.

If you get the VIP ticket, you can ask me and the other panelists anything during the Final Facets: Ask Us Anything Panel at the end of the day! If you're reading this after it's already happened, it should be up for purchase on NeuroPebble as a self-paced course.

If you want something fun to do with your teens to work toward stronger self-esteem and an increased sense of self, you can also check out my Zines for Teen Play Therapy training. Creating art can take pressure off of having to find the right words to say to convey how they're feeling, who they are, and what they need. It can also provide moments of strength, ingenuity, and connection in real-time with you and the teen.

Thank you for supporting these teens.

This topic is so important to me and I wish I had been surrounded by adults who were hoping to help when I felt that way. I hope you found some actionable takeaways, whether you're a teen's guardian or their therapist, and that this helps your teen feel less self-conscious.

I appreciate you on behalf of the teen(s) you're supporting!

Dr. Kade Sharp